Jerek - A Leap of Faith

[Toros]

Love is usually the cause of and solution for most of life’s problems.

I’m sure there are some who would wonder why I would be willing to exchange the somber endurance of Ilmater with the sensual joy of Sune. It was not a decision I have taken lightly, and it is something I have considered for nearly half a year.

Ilmater to me represents a powerful kind of love, for why else would he suffer so for lesser beings? Parents sacrifice for their children, and heroes sacrifice their lives for their people. It is selfless and likely most of those whose lives are saved never learn the names of those who died to preserve their safety. But a good deed is not good because people hear about it. It is a pure form of love, untangled from lust and self-interest. Untangled from vanity, of which I have been bound in for so many years, fearing that a scar would mar me and I would be discarded like a broken sword.

Ilmater teachings state that he does not care what I look like, how I dress, whether the home I live in is beautiful or not. What is important is what I will endure to end the suffering of others. Some Sunites disguise themselves when doing things that may make them filthy, as if such tasks were beneath them. The weak, the hungry, the downtrodden don’t have the privilege to worry about such things, nor did I once. I found in Sune a way to reject the horror, the despair, the fetid conditions of my youth and replace them with beauty. Wisdom is knowing that beauty does not fix; perfume cannot replace a bath. I do not enjoy the smell produced when lancing a boil, but I endure it because I can see the relief on the faces of those whom I can help. Their suffering has ended, and that is what truly matters.

In the days and months to come, I believe in my heart that evil is stirring. Kelda has closed portals to the realms of demons, The Dark Tower has yet to be defeated, and undead have assaulted the gates of Sarshel herself. As the icy grip on the mountains loosen, hobgoblin or worse may awaken and stir, and it is intelligence and endurance that will preserve the lives of all of us. Though Ilmater I may devote myself to such in mind, body and spirit.

As I understand it now, we go to be with our god when we die. Sune almost certainly could provide wonders beyond my wildest imagination, but for all the finery there is something I value more: Kelda. Since I arrived she has been my greatest ally, and saved my life more times than I can count. Especially now I must lean on her strength of spirit more than ever, as I am sorely tested by the loss of my divine gifts. Many pleasant afternoons have been spent patrolling with Honor, and I will never see him again. Such is the cost of following one’s heart.

Kneeling in the snow in front of St. Liesel Ekadolina, I formally switched my primary allegiance from Sune to Ilmater. Flowers bloomed and tears flowed from the eyes of the statue, and in my heart I felt a change. My gifts were gone, but hope and peace remained. A new journey has begun.

[Toros]

One of the values I am to be working on is humility, and these past weeks have been deeply humbling.

While I have always been good at understanding what others are feeling, it makes me very aware of the anger and disappointment from those around me. Paladin despise an oathbreaker, and that is what I am. I visited the Velvet Chantry the last time I was in Songhall and the disgust at my decision was as thick as the moisture in the air. Of course, their manners were nothing but perfect. They were either polite and cold or polite and furious. Both felt like being lied to.

Neither am I welcomed by Ilmateri with open arms, which I suppose is to be expected. They are generally reserved, I have not proven myself to them, and it was not so long ago that I was eating rich food and wearing beautiful clothing. It is a small mercy that I don't miss that part of my past. With beauty comes pride, and with pride comes anger. I used to be angry with each evil act I witnessed, a blemish on an otherwise beautiful world, ruining it for others until the source is destroyed.

What I've realized is that evil is not the main cause of suffering for the common people. While bandits and evil beasts hurt and kill, most people suffer because they are cold, hungry, or lonely. There is no villan to kill to solve these problems, they need only mercy and compassion. I have spent more hours working in Kelda's clinic, and I see it on their faces. Yet I am embarassed that I no longer can provide even basic healing blessings anymore. Gwen had a bruised tailbone and bruised ribs, and all I could do is determine that nothing was broken.

It is not just my patients that pay the price of my decision. When we were exploring an old fort, Bors was brought to the brink of death by a massive spider. It is only due to the grace of the gods that he didn't take a lasting injury. Had I had my gifts he would have been fine.

I pray that my weakness will not cause another permanent harm.